The Weight Of Absence

The smell of coffee. Before dawn. Reminds me of all the mornings. I wasn't there. Another day. Another jobsite. Another moment. Lost forever. My toolbox is heavier than it looks. Inside: wrenches, pipes, fittings,and the weight. Of a thousand missed moments. Lauren's first day of kindergarten. Her small hand. Clutching a lunchbox. I never saw. Grace's solo. In the Christmas play. Her voice rising. Through an auditorium. Where my seat. Remained empty. I was fixing. A burst pipe. Across town. Thinking I was doing. What was right. I built systems. That bring warmth. To other people's homes. While my own grew colder. "Daddy has to work." Became the refrain. Of their childhood. The steady drumbeat. The paycheck. That kept us afloat. Drowned me. In regret. There is no magic. In watching your daughters. Grow up through photos. Sent to your phone. No beauty. In hearing "It's okay. Dad, I understand." From a child too young. To understand anything. Except absence. My calloused hands. Built things meant. To last decades. But I can't rebuild. Those lost years. Can't reinstall. The bedtime stories. Never read. Can't reconnect. The conversations. Never had. The calendar pages. Flipped with cruel. Efficiency. While I was underground. In service tunnels. My daughters transformed. From pigtailed children. To poised young women. In the blink of an eye. A blink I missed. While focusing on pressure. Gauges and blueprints. Believing that providing. Was enough. The simplest moments; Lauren blowing out. Birthday candles. While I was on call. Grace's handmade. Father's Day cards. That greeted me. Days after. They were made. These intimate rituals. Of their lives. Developed without. My witness. My toolbox now sits. Half-empty. In the garage. While my heart feels. Completely vacant. The pipes I've installed. Will service buildings. For decades. But I failed to lay. The foundation of presence. A structural defect. No master tradesman. Can repair. Each morning. The rich aroma. Of coffee brewing. Mingles with the bitter. Taste of regret. The paycheck. That once seemed. So crucial. Feels hollow against. The wealth of moments. Forever lost. Christmas mornings. Half-experienced. Through FaceTime. Birthday parties. Attended only. Long enough to sing. Before being called away. In the end. The pipes will continue. To flow long after. I'm gone. But what will Lauren and Grace. Remember? A phantom father. Who loved them. From a distance. A man who thought. Providing a good life. Meant missing. The life itself. If I could go back. I'd measure success. Differently. Not in overtime hours. Or completed jobs. But in first-day-of-school. Pictures and Christmas plays. Attended. Because now I understand. That the most precious things. Truly are priceless. And the cost of missing them. Even while thinking. I was doing what was right. Is a debt I can never. Never. Repay.